Crooked House
by RockSunner
Summary: What if Dipper tried to document the most mysterious, unexplained feature of Gravity Falls that is right in front of his nose: the physically impossible Mystery Shack itself?
1. Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained Attic

What if Dipper tried to document the most mysterious, unexplained feature of Gravity Falls that is right in front of his nose: the physically impossible Mystery Shack itself? All characters are owned by Alex Hirsch and Disney, not me.

**Crooked House**

The video rolls, showing a hand-printed title card: "Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained #111: 'The Attic of the Mystery Shack'."

"Dipper here, documenting a Gravity Falls mystery that has been under our noses since we first arrived: the Mystery Shack itself. This building is physically impossible, and yet it exists. Mabel and I will show you."

"It's not impossible, Dipping-Sauce," said Mabel. "You're just being goofy."

"I'll prove it. First, there is a lot of extra closet space up here. Go over and stand in our bedroom door. Good. Notice that the door is set flush with the wall," said Dipper.

"Yeah, so?" said Mabel.

"I'll open the curtained closet space to the left of our door. There's a bunch of old junk in here, including a coffin in the corner, right?"

"Yes," said Mabel. "I store my sweaters in that."

"Really?" asked Dipper.

"Hey, if Grunkle Stan won't give me a big wardrobe like I have at home... You know, if we did have a wardrobe here maybe it would lead to Narnia," said Mabel.

"I'm going into that curtained space now. I'm in. Still standing in the doorway, knock on the wall just outside the door, to your left," said Dipper.

"Knock knock!" said Mabel. She knocked. "You're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

Dipper said, "Notice, the knock came from the back of the curtained space, several feet deeper in from the door. But there's no space for it on the outside. Just the first of many impossibilities up here."

"Who's there? Mabel," said Mabel. "Now say 'Mabel who?' Come on, I can't do the jokes all by myself."

Dipper sighed, "Mabel who?"

"May Bill come in?" said Mabel.

"That's not a very funny knock-knock joke," said Dipper.

"Seriously, he's out here," said Mabel.

"Yow! D-don't do anything to us. We'll get all the evidence on tape," said Dipper.

Dipper ran to the door, pointing his video camera. There was nobody there.

Mabel giggled, "Made you look."

"Really not funny," said Dipper.

Bill (who really was there, just cloaked) thought, "They'll get in real trouble if they keep probing the dimensional anomalies here. Maybe even get trapped in another dimension like their grandfather. Should I warn them? Naah, it's more fun watching them get into messes."

"Come on, Mabel," said Dipper. "Next we'll look at why the attic stained-glass window, which is in the long wall to the left of our bedroom, looks out onto the narrow side, above the back porch. Again, no space. And that should be the wall at the opposite end from our bedroom, not at right angles to it."

"Let's probe it with my grappling hook," said Mabel.

"Actually, that's a really good suggestion," said Dipper. "We'll try that in next episode of Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained."

"They're doomed," thought Bill.


	2. Hallways and Holes

**Hallways and Holes**

"Ready for the grappling hook?" asked Mabel.

"Not quite," said Dipper. "I want to check out a few more things up here first. Like the mystery hallway to the right side of our room as you face it from the stairs. I saw Soos back into it once, but normally you can't see it when you come up the stairs."

"It's there, all right," said Mabel. "That's where Lebam, my mirror clone, hid while she stayed with us. Watch this."

Mabel backed up into a certain place in the wall, and the passage appeared. It was a hallway with one room off of it to the right and curtains hanging across the back.

"What hides this hallway, I wonder," asked Dipper. "A hologram?"

"Magic," said Mabel.

"Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic," said Dipper.

"Like I said, pure magic," said Mabel.

The small room to the right side of the hallway had stained-glass windows that looked out from under Wendy's break area on the roof. The room was empty and undecorated, except for a large black pentagram drawn on the floor. There was also a hole in the corner with a ladder.

Mabel climbed part-way down the ladder and looked. "This comes out in the museum, behind the wooden backdrop of the Sascrotch. Hee hee, Sascrotch."

"I've got a creepy feeling about this room," said Dipper, backing out. "Let's go down to the end."

Toward the end of the hall was a curtained-off area with a closet on the left side. On the other side was a coffin with an old TV on it.

"You know, this clutter looks a lot like the stuff behind the curtain in our bedroom," said Dipper.

"It does, but not exactly the same. There's an old fortune-teller dummy in ours," said Mabel. "This area is a lot bigger, and this closet's toward the end, not close to the curtain."

"I remember this space now. This is the closet my clones tried to trap me in, the night I wanted to ask Wendy to dance," said Dipper. "They all stood outside the room and argued and there was plenty of space for them all. Also plenty of space for me to sneak out without them noticing."

"The closet here is where Lebam slept, on the coats. She had a stash of Smile Dip in there," said Mabel.

"Oh, I found that when I was locked in the closet," said Dipper. "I thought it was yours. I wondered how you got more of that stuff when it was banned everywhere. Remember, I asked you about whether you were eating more of it when you were all wild about the Sev'ral Timez concert?"

"Lebam went back to the Dusk 2 Dawn and talked Ma and Pa into giving her some," said Mabel. "I wouldn't have done it myself. That's evil stuff and the ghosts were scary. But she's on good terms with them now."

"Really?" asked Dipper.

"They feed her and her boy-band friends in exchange for pop music," said Mabel.

"So you really did have the Sev'ral Timez guys up here?" asked Dipper. "I suspected that."

"I guess I spilled the beans," said Mabel. She produced a can of beans from her pocket, set it on the floor, and tipped it over with her foot. "Beans."

"But isn't she nearly a teen?" asked Dipper. "The ghosts will turn on her in less than a year."

"Technically she's not," said Mabel. "She was created just about a month ago, but she has my full growth and my stupendous bubbly personality. The band guys are artificially-aged clones. They can all get away with being non-teens for years."

* * *

"Let's look at that side stained-glass window now," said Dipper.

"That's where we'll need my grappling hook!" said Mabel.

"In a few minutes, Mabel," said Dipper. "Be patient."

"I'll try," said Mabel. "I can hardly believe I'll finally get to use it."

"You used it to save our lives," said Dipper.

"Yeah, but I mean as part of a Mystery Twins investigation."

They came back into the main attic room and Dipper opened the pink and red stained-glass window above the window seat.

"I escaped from Wax Sherlock Holmes this way," Dipper said. "When I climbed out I was on the green awning over the porch. It's much wider on the inside here, just like it's wider down below."

"Wax Sherlock sure wasn't as smart as he thought he was, was he?" asked Mabel.

"You really think you can outwit me boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass? It's enormous! " said Dipper in a phony English accent.

Both chuckled.

"You're really smart, not fake smart like him," said Mabel.

"That you, I resemble that remark," said Dipper.

"I'm not as smart as you, but I make up for it by being cute, witty, and creative," said Mabel.

"You have your strengths and I have mine," said Dipper diplomatically.

"I'm the alpha twin!" said Mabel.

Dipper returned to his study of the window.

"I don't understand how this lines up with the rooms below," said Dipper. "This wall is sideways to the back of the house, but it's somehow above the porch. To our right should be the kitchen, and to our left the hallway bends around the stairs. There should be Grunkle Stan's office, the bathroom, and his bedroom off that hallway. But all of that should be the other way, opposite our door."

"Dipper, I'm confused. Isn't Grunkle Stan's office out past the end of the living room? That's where we saw it when Gideon blew a hole in the wall."

"I'm convinced now when we saw that we were still in the dream. It didn't feel real, remember? And nobody tried to grab Gideon and get the deed from him," said Dipper.

"You sure about that?" asked Mabel.

"When we got the Shack back there was no hole in the living room wall. Everything was as neat as if nothing had happened. The only damage was a broken-out wall in the corner near the porch, Stan's real study, where Gideon must have really blasted the safe open."

"I guess you're right," said Mabel.

"Stan fixed that corner and built an extension out from the side so he could put in a window with blinds and have more light in that room," said Dipper.

"We gave him more light," said Mabel. "Lots of bright rainbow light."

"We sure did," said Dipper. "Who knew he would hate it?"

* * *

"I've got to look through the floor somehow and see what's really above what," said Dipper. "It's driving me crazy."

"Where shall we drill, captain?" asked Mabel.

"In our bedroom floor," said Dipper. "We can cover the hole with the throw rug."

They got a drill and soon hit a pipe. Dipper started a hole an little bit over and put a periscope down through it.

"Yikes!" he said. "Directly below us is the Gift Shop! But.. but there are no floors above the shop – it's a side wing. And the view faces in toward the vending machine. But up here, that direction is to the outside! This is insane!"

Mabel was still looking at the pipe from the first hole. "There's something written here."

"What does it say?" asked Dipper.

"ELOO LV ZDWFKLAJ," Mabel spelled out.

Dipper wrote it down. "This looks like one of the codes mentioned in my Journal. The three steps back code..."

He deciphered it and read, white-faced, "BILL IS WATCHING."

"No! Nooo!" Dipper shouted, quickly covering the holes with the throw rug. He ran from the room and threw up on the attic floor.

Bill was watching, invisibly. He laughed to himself.

* * *

"I am officially freaked out," said Dipper. "I want to give up."

"Not without trying the grappling hook," said Mabel.

"We're risking our lives and sanity," said Dipper. "But all right, if you insist."

They opened the stained glass window and their bedroom window. Mabel climbed a totem pole near the porch.

"Grappling hook!" she shouted, firing the gun through the window above the porch.

They ran around the side of the building. Sure enough, the hook was now dangling out of their bedroom window, a straight shot all the way through the building.

"But how will it look from inside?" asked Dipper.

"Only one way to find out!" said Mabel.

They ran in and back up the stairs and gasped. It was an amazing sight. The line went in straight, and hung in midair. A few feet away, the rest of the line hung straight also, pointing into their bedroom at right angles to the first part of the line.

"What happened to the line in between?" asked Mabel. She ran her hand from the first piece of line toward the gap.

"Don't touch it Mabel! It could be dangerous," Dipper said.

It was too late. Mabel's hand ran along the line and disappeared when it came to the gap.

"What the? It's cold, but it doesn't hurt," said Mabel.

She pulled her hand back. It was sparkling with snowflakes.


	3. Mystery Motel

**Mystery Motel**

Mabel stared at her hand. "Snow? How could that be?"

"I think it's a bend in space-time, a portal to a parallel world," said Dipper.

"A portal in the Mystery Shack? Who knew?" said Mabel. "And it leads our own private winter wonderland. We should totally go there and play in the snow, and beat the heat."

She started to follow the line into the gap, but Dipper held her back.

"Hold it, sis," he said. "I want to explore too, but we have to be equipped," said Dipper.

He went into their bedroom and grabbed several sheets of paper, "Let me make a list. Winter coats, snowshoes, boots..."

"Where are we going to get stuff like that in the summer?" asked Mabel.

"There's all kinds of things in the closets up here," said Dipper. "Whatever we can't dig up we can buy at a thrift shop. Off-season clothes will be cheap."

"Now you're thinking like Grunkle Stan," said Mabel.

* * *

Soon they had a pile of equipment ready.

"Pink snowsuit for you: check," said Dipper, consulting his list. "Gray snowsuit for me: check. Snowshoes: check. Flashlights, check. Duct tape: check. PVC pipe: check."

"PVC pipe?" asked Mabel.

"You can make almost anything from duct tape and PVC pipe. It pays to be prepared."

"Crazy prepared," said Mabel. "That's you."

Dipper packed the equipment into a large backpack, and both put on their winter gear.

"Ready, Mabes?" he asked.

"I'm always ready, Dipstick," she said.

Holding tight to the line that stretched across the attic, they moved into the gap.

There was a moment of disorientation, and then they passed into a dark, snowy forest. An icy wind whipped snow into their faces. They put their hands up to shield their eyes.

"Dipper, I don't think we're in Oregon anymore. This place is c-cold," said Mabel.

"Too cold," said Dipper. "Let's go back for now. Do you still have a grip on the line?"

"No, I thought you did," said Mabel.

They felt around in the dark for the ends of the line and found nothing.

"Oh oh," said Mabel.

"No! We can't be stuck here," said Dipper.

"What are we going to do?" asked Mabel.

"I see a faint light over there" said Dipper. "There must be civilization here. But what kind?"

"We've got to go for it," said Mabel. "We'll freeze if we stay out here all night."

"I'll keep close watch on our direction," said Dipper. "We'll come back here and find the line when there's more light."

Trudging through the snow, they soon found a road, and a dilapidated wooden two-story building with a sign reading simply "Motel" and below it "Vacancy."

"We're saved!" said Mabel. She ran to the door and knocked.

"Help! We're lost in the snow. May we stay here tonight?" Dipper called out.

The door opened and a figure appeared. It was hard to see his face because of the light behind him. He was wearing a black coat and a top hat.

"Aha, late-arriving guests for the motel," said the figure, in an upper-class British accent. "Come in, come in. Business is always welcome... even... pink monsters?"

The voice faltered as the motel owner got a look at their faces.

They looked back at him in dismay. His face was that of a lizard, with one glass left eye. It started to glow red, like a weapon preparing to fire.

"Please, Mr. Space Lizard, we're harmless," said Mabel. "We just need a place to stay for the night and we'll be on our way."

"We're visitors from... from a long way away from here," said Dipper.

The lizard man stared at them a few seconds longer, then nodded. "Very well. I would be lacking in hospitality to laser-blast paying guests, especially on Summermas Eve. I'm the owner of this fine establishment, Stanislavski Skink."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Skink," said Dipper. "I'm Dipper and this is Mabel. About paying..."

"It's only a shilling for the night," said Skink. "I'll collect from you tomorrow at check-out."

"That doesn't sound like much," said Mabel. "I'm sure we can work something out."

"I'm quite sure we can," said Skink. "Now please some in. My assistant will see to your luggage."

"We just have the backpack," said Dipper. "We don't need..."

Skink ignored this and rang a bell. He shouted "Bruce! Come here at once."

The person who answered the call was oddly familiar, a heavy man with the face of a bulldog. He wore a bowler hat and had a monocle in one eye.

'Allo, 'allo, 'allo," said the man, with a Cockney accent. He gave a start when he saw the twins. "Stan, do you want me to give 'em a stick in the puddin'? I got me stick around 'ere somewheres."

"The British Dog Man!" said Mabel and Dipper together.

"I beg your pardon. The name's Bruce, not Dog Man. I don't like bein' called names, not by little monsters that look like mini versions of a fat fellow I see in me nightmares."

"Bruce, these two are guests," said Skink. "You must treat them properly."

"Sorry, Bruce," said Dipper. "I'm Dipper and this is my sister Mabel. To us you look like someone a friend of ours sees in his nightmares."

"'E sees me and I see 'im?" asked Bruce. "Small world, eh?"

"Small worlds, Bruce," said Mabel.

"Your room is down this 'all," said Bruce. "Follow me."

"Goodnight, guest creatures," said Skink.

"Goodnight, Mr. Skink," the twins said.

They were halfway down a dark corridor, when suddenly Mabel said, "Ooh! I hear dogs!" and set off at a run down a side passage.

"Mabel, come back!" said Dipper, following her.

They came to a room with several dogs lying comfortably on mats. The dogs leaped up and barked happily when they saw Mabel, wagging their tails.

"Ooh, nice doggies," said Mabel. "I want to pet them."

The dogs surrounded her and she stroked them happily.

Bruce came into the room behind them. "These are the only other guests in the motel tonight, the Ice Dogs."

What are their names?" asked Mabel.

"Nanobot, Devil, Donald, Shoveler, Truck, Scratch, Yoda, and the Baroness," said Bruce. "They're resting up 'ere tonight for the big Summermas Dogsled Race tomorrow."

All were huskies except for the Baroness, who was a brown and white spaniel.

"The Summermas Race?" asked Dipper.

"You 'aven't 'eard of it? It's the biggest thing around, 'eld every year at the summer solstice."

"It's summer here?" Mabel asked. "But it's so cold."

"Summer's always the coldest season of the year, ain't it?" asked Bruce.

"I guess their Earth tilts the opposite way ours does," said Dipper.

"So what happens in the race?" Mabel asked. "Is there a prize?"

"A big one, ten thousand pounds," said Bruce. "The dog have to win to pay back what they owe Stan. Otherwise they'll belong to 'im until they work it off. Debtor's prison, you know."

"You have debtor's prisons here?" asked Dipper.

Bruce said, "It's the law."

"Well, I bet they win," said Mabel.

"Don't be too sure," said Bruce. "Stan's got 'is own team in the race. E's so fast they call 'im the Thunder Lizard."

After Bruce left them in a drab motel room with peeling paint, Mabel turned to Dipper.

"We could do something to help the Ice Dogs win," said Mabel. "We ought to, Dipper."

"It's not our world," said Dipper. "I don't think we should get involved. We have problems of our own."

"I know we have to get back, but still..." said Mabel.

"Listen, Mabel," said Dipper. "I don't know if we can trust Mr. Skink and Bruce. Don't the two of them remind you of Grunkle Stan and Soos?"

"Yes, and that's good. We trust Grunkle Stan and Soos," said Mabel.

"Only because we're Grunkle Stan's relatives," said Dipper. "How does he treat strangers?"

"He cons them," said Mabel.

"And to Mr. Skink, what are we?" asked Dipper.

"Strangers," said Mabel.

"We need to try to find out more," said Dipper.

They sneaked back up the corridor to the motel lobby and listened in on a conversation between Skink and Bruce.

"Bruce, my fortune's made," said Skink. "I don't think those pink creatures have any money. Tomorrow at check-out time they'll owe me a shilling they can't pay, and they'll be mine."

"What will you do with 'em, Stan?"

"I'll put them on display in a cage, as oddities. I'll make this place the Mystery Motel, world famous for its strange and curious attractions."

"Umm, that's just one strange and curious attraction," said Bruce.

"We'll fake up many more," said Skink. "And on the side we'll have a flea circus. Those Ice Dogs will help me raise the fleas. The creatures can, too."

"You're sure you're going to win tomorrow, Sir?" asked Bruce.

"I've made certain of it. The dogs don't know it yet, but I've bribed their driver to quit. They'll forfeit the race."

Dipper and Mabel sneaked back to their room.

"We have to help the Ice Dogs to help ourselves," said Dipper. "Don't worry, I have a plan."


End file.
